Ahh, the holidays. Kin — young, old and in between — gather around the hearth sharing tales of yore while anticipating the big man in red’s arrival. Sounds pretty idyllic, right? Unfortunately, this fairy tale spun out in Christmas songs and sappy Hallmark Channel holiday movies isn’t always reality. While there is so much good with this time of year, it can also be tricky when faced with the awkward reality of an aging relative’s advancing dementia. Here’s a primer, based on the stage of dementia, to help you and your family relate and connect to your relatives who may be suffering from this prevalent condition.
IN THE EARLY STAGES
Fear not. Try not to be scared of your dad because he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. While some of his behaviors are a bit off, remember that he’s been diagnosed with a disease and is still the same person he always has been. Be yourself around him and encourage your family members to do the same. Engage him in the things you’ve always connected over.
Prep the kids. Dealing with someone with dementia can be challenging for adults, not to mention children. The youngest set likely won’t notice a difference, but the older ones, ages 8 and up, will be more perceptive. Try to explain in the simplest terms what’s going on with their relative and give children tools to relate. Sitting with a grandparent and sharing a photo album is a good conversation starter. Or try engaging grandpa with a coloring or drawing session.
Always seek to engage. Dementia and Alzheimer’s can be very isolating, as the sufferer at this stage is aware of their diagnosis and that their mind isn’t as strong as it used to be. As a result, Grandma might be reticent to join conversations or activities. Seek her out and bring her into your conversations. Even if she refuses, still ask if she wants to help you decorate cookies or have her consult in the music for the playlist.
Offer up suggestions. These are diseases of the memory, and one of the first areas affected is the ability to find the right words when communicating. Don’t hesitate to lend a hand and offer a word or phrase that dad seems to be searching for.
IN THE MODERATE STAGES
Introduce yourself. At this stage, many individuals suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s have difficulty recalling names, even those they are close to. Even though it feels awkward, when you see your dad say, “Hi Pops! It’s me, Sally, your youngest daughter. I’m so happy to have you in my home!” Keep in mind that you might have to make reintroductions mid-conversations. If that’s the case, work your name in naturally to keep embarrassment to a minimum, i.e., “My co-workers are always saying ‘Sally, you’re so organized.’”
Be mindful of your approach. One of the hallmarks of the disease is anxiety linked to confusion about the individual’s environment or company. With this awareness, always approach your mom from the front so as not to startle her. And even though you may share a long history, wait until she sees and acknowledges you before going in for a hug.
Create a safe space. As the disease progresses, sufferers can feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed by crowds. Designate an area in your home that’s calm and peaceful, free of distracting sounds and movement. In this space, enjoy a one-on-one conversation with your loved one and encourage family members to rotate through and do the same.
Fall back on old memories. If you’re experiencing trouble connecting with your uncle, remember that he’s likely to recall older memories rather than more recent ones. Ask him to share one of his old chestnuts: “Uncle Jim, I loved your story about the time you ran into a skunk on your hunting trip. Will you please tell it again?”
Take a deep breath and be patient. Dementia and Alzheimer’s sufferers will repeat themselves, perhaps telling the same story several times in a row. This is primarily because telling a familiar story is reassuring to them — and it’s something they remember. While you may be bored or annoyed, remind yourself that this act makes them happy. When you’ve reached your limit, tag out by bringing in another family member: “Hey Tom, you’ve got to get over here and hear Aunt Pat’s harrowing scuba diving story.”
Recognition goes a long way. No matter how old we are, we all want to be seen and feel useful. So even if your family member may not recall your name or your special times together, they will still revel in being acknowledged and sincerely complimented. When your mom unnecessarily sweeps the kitchen floor for the eighth time, show your appreciation by saying, “Thanks so much mom for helping me keep the kitchen clean. I couldn’t pull off entertaining this many people without your help.”
Designate a point person. If you’re entertaining a really large crowd, ask someone responsible to stay near your grandpa. This person will help him interact with others and most importantly, feel included. Remember the safe zone should things get too intense.
IN THE LATE STAGES
Simple touch can mean so much. As the disease progresses, know that simple conversations might be impossible. Merely sitting nearby and offering an occasional gentle squeeze to the hand can be all the comfort your loved one needs.
Have a musical moment. Studies have shown that long after many skills and abilities fade, the love and recognition of music remains strong. Play favorite holiday songs or tunes from your mom’s past that resonate with her. Music is a powerful connector for all generations.